by George Carlin on album I Kinda Like It When A Lotta People Die

by George Carlin on album FM And AM

George Carlin FM And AM The Hair Piece One of the things that occurred when I began to uh, y'know, feel some changes happening to me...naturally, I was kinda still entertaining in gin joints, y'know-

by George Carlin on album Miscellaneous

George Carlin Miscellaneous Hair Poem I'm aware some stare at my hair. In fact, to be fair, Some really despair of my hair. But I don't care, Cause they're not aware, Nor are they devonaire. In

by George Carlin on album A Place For My Stuff

I: Ladies and gentlemen, we are privileged to have with us a man known all over the world as the prince of peace- Jesus Christ. How are you, Jesus? JC: Fine, thanks and let me say it's great to be

by George Carlin on album I Kinda Like It When A Lotta People Die

by George Carlin on album A Place For My Stuff

(Carlin as announcer:) Hello, America! It's time to play "Asshole, Jackoff, Scumbag!" Ladies and gentlemen.. This man is a rancher, he works for an oil company and he lives in Texas. Is he an assho

by George Carlin on album A Place For My Stuff

(Carlin:) Say, why not become a schmuck? A licensed, practicing schmuck. Or, if you qualify, a CPS. That's right. A certified public schmuck. Y'know, it may not seem like it when you look around, but

by George Carlin on album A Place For My Stuff

(Carlin:) Hello, I'm Bud from Bud's Medical Center. Come on out to Bud's. We're having a special this weekend on head injuries. Any sort of head injury from a black eye to a whole caved-in skull is j

by George Carlin on album A Place for My Stuff!

(Carlin:) Hello, I'm Bud from Bud's Medical Center. Come on out to Bud's. We're having a special this weekend on head injuries. Any sort of head injury from a black eye to a whole caved-in skull is ju

by George Carlin on album A Place for My Stuff!

(Carlin:) Hello, I'm Bud from Bud's Medical Center. Come on out to Bud's. We're having a special this weekend on head injuries. Any sort of head injury from a black eye to a whole caved-in skull is ju

by George Carlin on album Place for My Stuff!

(Carlin:) Hello, I'm Bud from Bud's Medical Center. Come on out to Bud's. We're having a special this weekend on head injuries. Any sort of head injury from a black eye to a whole caved-in skull is ju

by George Burns, George Carlin on album Burns and Carlin at the Playboy Club Tonight

One! This old man, he played one. He played knick-knack on my thumb. With a knick-knack patty-whack, give a dog a bone, This old man came rolling home. Two! This old man, he played two. He played kni

by George Carlin on album A Place For My Stuff

Actually, this is just a place for my stuff, ya know? That's all; a little place for my stuff. That's all I want, that's all you need in life, is a little place for your stuff, ya know? I can see it o

by George Carlin on album A Place For My Stuff

I had kind of an interesting morning this morning. I call it 'interesting', I use that word because I don't have a 'nice' day anymore. Frankly, I don't bother with them. I feel as if I've outgrown the

by George Carlin on album A Place For My Stuff

Join the Book Club! As an introductory offer, we'll send you the following books absolutely free: Eat, Run, Stay Fit And Die Anyway, How To Seem Intelligent, There's Big Money In Staying Put, Peace Of

by George Carlin on album A Place For My Stuff

Got into an argument this morning with my Rice Krispies. I distinctly heard- "Snap, Crackle, Fuck Him". I don't know which one of them said it, y'know. I was reaching for the artificial sweetener at t

by George Carlin on album A Place For My Stuff

I'm the ice box man at our house. I'm Ice Box Man! I answer the call when there's a need at the ice box. Two very important responsibilities, the first one is: keeping people from standing with the do

by George Carlin on album Class Clown

I love words. I think if you're hearing my words, I wanna tell you something about words that I think is important. They're my work, they're my play, they're my passion. Words are all we have really.

by George Carlin on album A Place For My Stuff

Get one now! Everybody has one! They're almost gone! They're portable, lightweight, easy to use, collapsible, convenient and guaranteed! Get one now! The new Super Jumbo Deluxe! Handy, pre-wrapped, de

by George Carlin on album A Place For My Stuff

Why, why, why, why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place, huh? Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren't they? They